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30th September 2009
by Mike Scott


I've been looking at the website of one of these rock schools where you take courses in how to be a performer. Maybe it works for some people but that kinda thing wouldn't have drawn me at the age 16. Rock + school just don't mix. So I think I'll start my own ALTERNATIVE ROCK'N'ROLL SKOOL. Courses to include:

1. How to dress like a proper fucking rock'n'roll star (rule one: dress the same offstage as onstage. And I mean dress offstage like you would ON, not on like you would off)

2. How to choose a musical instrument (it's the way it looks, stupid!)

3. How to write HOOKS. (If your songs ain't got 'em, get another job)

4. How to play your instrument not with your head or fingers BUT WITH YOUR LIFE

5. How to confound your audience's expectations

6. How to creatively joust with the mysterious race of beings known as ROCK JOURNALISTS

7. The lore and evolution of rock'n'roll (and how not to GO BACKWARDS. Rolling Stone magazine take note)

8. The occult science of the killer song intro

9. The occult science of the extended outro (rule one: earn it by preceding it with a disciplined and economic song arrangement)

10. How to get people to do things for you (eg take care of the money stuff) without surrendering your power or authority to them

I'm taking applicants now. Send a stamped undressed elephant to Mick Puck, Dublinjungle™, Hibernia.